so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
