I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
