As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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