I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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