I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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