I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
