I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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