fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
