burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
