nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
