You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
