why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
