Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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