i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
