I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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