Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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