Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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