Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
