So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
