Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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