Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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