He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize