I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
