I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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