I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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