my shit smells like andre
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize