can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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