Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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