you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
