just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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