Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
