I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
