The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
