why didn't you poke me back
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
