I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
