i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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