Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
