He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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