Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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