So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
