the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
