hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
