The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
