Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
