These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
