he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
