I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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