I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
