i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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