JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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