I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
