I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
