you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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