i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
