I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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