I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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