he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
