There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
