My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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